Thoughts…

I have an intense desire to feel grounded. I attribute this lack to the fact that I have been alone and recovering since 2009 from a traumatic brain injury. Alone at least in my situation and circumstance. I had and have support but no guidance from anyone who has been in my shoes. But really that applies to everyone in different ways.

I turned 30 at the end of 2020. Life was chaotic for us all and I certainly felt that way regarding my future. I hate to admit it but during the summer of 2020 I was seriously considering suicide. I felt aimless, alone, like I failed and had no worth. Nobody actually said that to me but that was my perception and utility.

I do not drink today and originally got sober when I was 23 years old. I started drinking again almost four years later and while it never got as bad as it did in my early 20s it was still bad. At the same time my life began to shift tremendously. Ironic!

From 18-24 I considered suicide daily. I had a traumatic brain injury playing rugby for my high school on January 17, 2009. One really shitty part about trauma like that is that people don’t understand and can’t talk to you about it. It’s apparent, people know it’s there, but even if they care for you they can’t really process it with you. That is a solo journey. Again like we all have in our own ways.

Anyways at this point I started thinking about parallel universes and the possibility that when we die in this universe maybe we just start again in a new one. Honestly if I knew that were the case I probably would have killed myself. I was terribly alone. I felt inept, I was inept.

Around 24 I went to a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center in Forest Knolls. I was angry I had to go. Go or become homeless. I thought that alcoholism meant an overwhelming overpowering manic robotic control that alcohol had over you. I thought I had control I just didn’t have any desire to live! While the latter was true, I also recognize now how many influences including biochemically, bio-mechanically, psychologically, socially, and culturally I faced that mocked my traumas.

I had people tell me I disrespected my high school for trying to play. I had a conversation with a couple different friends who said I was never a rugby player, that I shouldn’t have played. I recall going to an old friends apartment down the street from mine to buy some weed. I was struggling to get up his stairs and he just watched me. Like he enjoyed my struggles. I think he resents me, but either way there were people like that who seemed to enjoy or simply not care for my struggles. But they also owe me nothing, it’s just intense I guess.

I was speaking on IG with an old classmate from elementary school around 2019. We were talking about fitness stuff and I told him I wanted to become an osteopath! He basically mocked me. I don’t think I could become an osteopath but again countless people have judged me and put me down. Never guidance or uplifting. Judgement. No support. Asking me why I want to be a manual therapist or why I used to talk about breathwork so much. They would too if they were in my shoes because then they’d feel how much it has helped.

I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being inept in this culture. I desire community, I want love, I need to be free! All this pain is suffocating and makes me wonder what my purpose is, if I even have one. I do have intentions!

I wish to be a healer. To be capable of meeting people where they are at and either mentally or physically cue their bodies to heal. That is magic to me and I want to help people channel that source… I wish to liberate and to be liberated. I am focused on being.